This post serves as a honest place for me to work things out. I realize that this is a public place to do that but it’s where my heart is leading me to. At times it might sound a bunch of ramblings, but this is why this blog is called “Writings, Life & Ramblings.” If anything here resonates with you, let me know.
You’ve ever been to a place where you just didn’t know what to do?
Of course you have. You’re a human being. Presumably a living human being going through the quandaries that we call life. Let me know if this whole living thing doesn’t apply to you. I wanna know your secret.
From my previous posts, you have probably seen that I am type A, plan to the second type of person. I have another completely lazy side to but that’s not the point of this post today. I’m focusing on my internal planner. And as my internal planner (let’s call her Gigi) would say, Gigi is not here for the play play.
Gigi is about getting that paper, creating things, making things happen. Not for waiting for things to happen. In an average day, I’m normally in Gigi’s sphere for about 75% of the time. Gigi is also about breaking down all possibilities and making contingency plans for all possibilities.
Gigi likes to think she thinks of all possibilities… But Gigi doesn’t. Or really she can’t. And it pisses her off most of the time. Especially when she thinks its going in particular way and then goes in a way that she never expected. Ooooo does Gigi gets P. O.! But Gigi gets over it and moves on to plan away and to make contingencies again.
Now, for the 25% of the other time, I’m in an optimistic, happy-go-lucky sphere we will call Tina. Tina is that silly kid part of you that wants to appear every time you start to drink. Tina just thinks, “Oh, let’s just see what happens. It should be fine.” Tina mainly allows herself to just see the outcome and address it then. What’s the point in fretting over it if you can’t change what’s about to happen? Let’s dream and focus on the wonder of life!
I am very aware that I operate in two complete opposites. Isn’t it a great thing that human beings don’t have to be peg in one way versus another? That we are just complex beings?
Gigi and Tina balance each other out. Tina appears when appropriate and Gigi takes the other times by force (I did say 75%). Both keep up great appearances – poker faces you wouldn’t believe! But there are times they clash and in those periods of clashing, it leaves me uneasy and unsure. I have just explained that both Gigi and Tina know their roles and act when necessary. But there are times when life throws you a situation where there are so many possibilities that you don’t feel comfortable taking on Tina but see the futility in engaging Gigi.
At that point you are left with K. I know I am usually reduced down to K when several goals, plans or desires are combating with timing and resources. Gigi wants make plans for it, but has to wait for decisions to be made that are out of her control. And Gigi has no idea when those decisions will occur which effects all contingencies. Tina could appear but she revolves around dreams, wishes and keeping happy. When there are too many plans and desires to focus on at a time, she’s surrounding by anxiety which is something Gigi normally handles. When neither can get a full grasp, K shows up.
The real, unplanned, gritty, unnerved, concern-showing, frown-appearing, sigh-releasing K.
I’m not a fan when K shows up. Because that means I don’t have it together. That means I don’t know what direction to move towards.
I can’t choose to be happy-go-lucky or plan to my heart’s content. The only way for K to go is for the outside forces to move so that Gigi or Tina can take charge. But again it may take time. How much time? :shrug:
But in the time I actually have to be sober, I focus my faith. I pray. I listen to music. I try not to bottle up the anxiety. I talk to my husband about what’s bothering me (he’s such a good sport). And when I am around others that are not familiar with K, I focus on all the good, pure, the beautiful and best things about my life so I can put on a smile that is reminiscent of Gigi and Tina, displacing the worry and anxiety. K does slip in from time to time but we are in a waiting period so it’s normal.
Feeling unease or uncertain is normal. But you shouldn’t let it reduce you to just unease or uncertainty.
I know that this sounds absolutely crazy and that I have been talking about different facets of my personality as different people (I blame the movie Split for the idea behind this post – thanks a lot M. Night Shyamalan). But it’s the best way for me to explain what I am feeling right now. And this post and future ones (remember human beings) will be notes to myself. To break it down, read myself, allow clarity to come forward and put it back together. If it helps you, then it has served two purposes today.
If you made it to the end of this rambling, thanks for being a good ear. If you need to let loose a rambling, go ahead below. I have a good ear too.